Cynical Town Can Be Tough on an Angel
by Calliope Piper
Summary: [RENT] Oneshot. Mark watches the tape of April's suicide and recalls the times with her.


A/N: This fic is centered around April's suicide. The concept is that she filmed her entire suicide, and this is Mark, recalling all of the times with April while watching the film. I'm not sure if I like the ending, but after writing and re-writing it a bunch of times, this is what I came up with.

Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me. They belong to the late Jonathan Larson. And the title, taken from "See Her Smile" from Tick... Tick... Boom! also belongs to him.

* * *

It was April, and it was unusually hot in the loft. The lone fan in the corner of the room wasn't helping at all to circulate the air. Mark sat on the beat up couch, watching one of his films. This one was of Roger's last girlfriend, April Wallace, the painter, who died almost three years ago. No one really talked about her much anymore—Roger tried to block her out the best that he could, but no matter how hard he tried, he still thought about her, even though he refused to admit it. 

April's face flashed across the screen. She had big green eyes and fiery red hair that was streaked withblack and different shades of brown. Mark froze the shot, and just stared at the girl on the screen. There was always mischief in her eyes and she always had a smirk on her face, like she was keeping the biggest secret the world had ever seen.

Well, that wasn't too much of an exaggeration. For months, April had kept secrets from everyone. She knew that Maureen was cheating on him, that Benny was dating this new girl, Alison behind their backs… and that she and Roger both had AIDS, among other things. And she was a good secret keeper, too. That was her problem. She wouldn't crack, no matter what. She could always keep a straight face. Mark smiled to himself, remember all of the countless poker games they had played, and all of the times that she had bluffed with the straightest face ever.

Mark loved April and cared for her like a sister. Ever since he met her and Roger in Scarsdale High School, they were always inseparable. That's why it was so hard to be watching this tape again. Watching one of his best friends do something like that to herself was really rough on him. But he vowed to watch it on the first of every April, her birthday.

_I still can't believe she actually killed herself,_ Mark thought to himself a few moments later. _And I can't believe she didn't tell Roger her other secret. He would have been happy, wouldn't he? Wouldn't he?_

Mark fast forwarded through the tape. April painting her nails black in the bathroom. Pouring Cap'n Crunch into cracked bowls. Laughing while Roger improvised a song about her on his Fender.

More fast-forwarding. The direction of the film finally changed. The scene was now in the bathroom, the camera lying down on the sink, filming her sitting on the floor. Her hair was plastered with sweat to her head. She was wearing a dark red tank top and a short, ripped denim skirt. For someone who was about to commit suicide, she looked very calm, and appeared to be smiling. No, it was just that smirk again. There was a needle and a bag full of white powder laying on the ground next to her. He hated watching this part of the tape, but it was something that he felt he had to do… again.

"Mark, I'm filming this because someone needs to know. And I'm not writing a letter or something because this is more real. Notes don't do justice to what's actually going on. And I know you'll watch this, since you love the camera so much. And I know this is going to be really hard to watch, but I know you can handle it.

"I have a lot to tell you, so please just listen. First off, don't let Roger see this tape. He'll flip out. Keep it a secret okay? For me? I know you will. Second of all, I have something to tell you. And Roger doesn't know this, and I don't ever want him to know either, okay?

"I'm pregnant Mark. I found out a few weeks ago. And I can't have this baby, believe me. I'm not ready! I'm only 19! And we live in a shit-hole as it is, and I don't want a little kid being raised living in shit. And I don't want Roger to know because, well, I don't know how he'll react. It would just be too hardfor him.

"Third of all, I have more news. And this is really hard to tell you, but you have to know, for Roger's health. Mark, I have AIDS. Yes, AIDS. As in Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome. Hard to believe, right? I thought we were always safe. I really don't know where or who I got it from, but get Rog to a doctor, okay Mark? Keep him safe.

"Tell everyone, especially Rog, that I love them, because I do. Tell Maureen that she's been such an awesome friend, no matter how conceited she can be. Tell Collins that he gives the greatest advice and that he's such afantastic person. Tell Benny that even though his girlfriend is a bitch, that he's such a fun guy. Tell Rog that I just can't go on this way, living with AIDS. I won't let myself die like that, especially when I know I'm going to have a baby. And yes, an abortion is definitely out of the question. Tell him I love him more than anyone I've ever loved before.

"And as for you, Mark, you're the best friend a girl can have. Really, you are. You've listened to every problem I've had, every everything. And I know I've kept a lot of secrets from you, but that was for your own good. Oh, by the way, Maureen has been cheating on you for the last few months with some blonde actor named Jimmy… But Marky, I'm going to miss you so much. Take care of everyone okay? They're going to need it. And remember to tell them to live their lives to the fullest. I know that sounds really hypocritical, but I just couldn't live like that. And that's why they should.

"And this brings me to my last order of business. I can't live like this. If it wasn't for you and Roger, well, I probably would have been gone already." She paused and showed the camera her arms, where there were track marks and marks from cutting herself. "I've been cutting for the past few weeks, just trying to find another way to deal with my pain besides smack. It's worked, but not to the extremity that I needed it to because I didn't want to go that far. But now it's time."

She got up and grabbed the camera and pointed it at the mirror above the sink. She wrote in big letters in black lipstick _WE'VE GOT AIDS _across the entire thing. April then repositioned the camera to where it was before and sat back down.

"Well Mark, I have something that you need to do for me. I want to be cremated, and I want my ashes to be given to my mother in Scarsdale. Can you do that for me? I'm trusting that you will. And as for my paintings, well, keep them in the family. Either you and Rog keep them, or give them back to my mother or my sister in California.

"I don't know what else to say, Mark. Um, I love you and Rog and Maureen and Benny and Collins and tell my mom that I'm sorry I've been a horrible daughter. Anyway, I better do this before I change my mind. I'll be watching over you guys, Mark. I never believed in angels, but you know, there's always a time to start believing in them. If I ever make it to heaven, which I highly doubt at this point, I'll send you all a sign in the form of a person. I don't know… I saw that in a movie once and thought it sounded good. So that's what I'll do. Goodbye, Mark."

She filled the syringe with the powder and injected it into theveins in her arms. After a few minutes, she grabbed a knife and sliced it along her veins, like she was tracing a picture.

Mark fast forwarded through the tape. There was footage of a hysterical Maureen, who just kept screaming and crying at the sight of her friend dead. Skip to Collins, comforting Maureen while he called the police. Flash to a dazed Mark, who grabbed the camera and turned it off after he did a good deal of screaming at the sight of April.

He kept going through the tape. The hospital, with the doctor telling them that they did everythign they could to save her, but she just lost too much blood. Skip to April's cremation and her funeral ceremony. A eulogy was given by himself, badly filmed, considering Collins was holding the camera.

The last shot of the entire tape was a shot of Angel Dumont Schunard, playing the drums, and Mark's voice in the background. "_December 24th, 11:30 P.M. It took her long enough, but April finally sent her sign."_

Mark flipped off the projector and took out his reel of film and stored it back in his room. When he came back out, Roger was just entering the loft with Mimi, both of them laughing. Mark waved to them.

"So what have you been up to?" Roger asked him.

_If you only knew, _he thought. "Oh, nothing. Just thinking. Uh, Rog, you know what today is, right?"

"April Fool's Day?" he asked.

Mark shook his head. "Never mind."

"Why did you ask?"

He didn't let his disappointment of Roger forgetting April's birthday show, and brushed it off instead. "Nothing, Rog. Really. Nothing."

* * *

And there you have it! Please review? It'll make me very happy! 


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